The Pursuit of Happyness

Lately, I have felt so out of balance.

As if I could not do the things I wanted because there were too many things that I HAD to do. But the thing is, these "have to-s" are all things that are paving my way into the future. I am getting somewhere, and in order to be successful, I have to trek on.

Something that I have allowed to get in my way is fear.

The fear to tackle the things that I have really wanted to pursue. I attempted in spurts, but have lost focus because, at times, life got too intense.

So here is to another new beginning.

I am moving away from an area that depresses me, entirely.

I am getting rid of old clothes that I said I would for so long.

A new home means settling in the way that I need to.

A craft nook.

An art display on the walls, like I have always wanted.

...but have always been afraid to do because I just move too much.

Because life has never been predictable to me.

And though I have fallen into unpredictability, I really do find comfort in knowing certainty about some things.

So I am going to be certain to keep my goals in mind, write them down, display them in ways that will keep me on the life path that I wish for.

I want to be who I am trying to be.

I always thought that it would just be simple to be who it is one aspires to be- just act that way, right?

But I am discovering that it takes far more.

In my case,

therapy.

In so many ways.

It takes art. It takes volunteer work.

It takes extremely good time management.

It takes saving up.

It takes looking to the future in ways that I have been afraid to do.

It takes perseverance.

And it takes an unshakable mind.

I have faltered in having faith in myself,

in love for myself,

and in making my life more than just a day full of work and school.

Everything is relevant,

and everything is folding upon itself

to create something magical.

The first step is to remember to tackle one thing at a time.

SO I wrote these things down to remind myself that I am capable of letting go of fear and having the courage to be something great and even more full of love.

brainwash.

I just want out of my own head.



it's


too


fucking


loud.

This will destroy you.

Sometimes,
I find myself attempting to contain you in my veins.
Like somehow
that would bring you close enough to the walls of my aorta,
and it would be there
that you call home.

But I cannot tie down your wings
and stuff you beneath my pores.
you are too gracious.
My skin is insult to your beauty.

Not even life line rivers
can breathe enough oxygen within me
to keep you alive in its flowing.

You are the closest thing I've seen to holy.

You don't believe in holy,
yet you carry halos beneath your tongue
borne from the vocal chords
in your esophagus.

I sometimes wish that
I could curl myself into those sounds,
seep into their grace,
and maybe then
I would know better the art of beauty.

But for now,
I tuck your harmonies into my belly
and digest you into my bloodstream
in attempts to cleanse the dark of old age from my insides.
Because for far too long,
I have seen the world from Mercury feet,
sending messages through air waves,
always running from my own heels.

Before you,
I am paused.
Stone toes to the ground,
my arms are reaching new lengths.
Never have I wrapped myself so tightly within them,
embracing, embracing, embracing.
Learning to hold myself as tightly as I do the world.
Learning to hold myself.

Despite the broken.
Despite the night sunrise afternoon
word struggles.
Despite my rampant feet,
you are arm stretching.
you are fingers holding,
against the cacophony of the world.
against the sound of my insides.

You are nothing short of holy.

Yet you lie between the same sheets
that my body rests beneath.
At times,
I fold my skin between my fingertips
to test the consciousness of my eyelids.
These same fingertips
know yours
and I pray my eyelids away
so that I may become impervious
to skipping moments like these.

Never have I known anything like this,
like better than toes in the sand
better than snowflakes on kissing mouths
we are
kissing mouths
bones
souls,
kissing our skipping heartbeats,
glad to see them off,
never missing them.
never missing them.

Thus I ask of you, lover
Keep me in your splendor
so that I may bask in your radiance.
so that when the sun explodes,
I will not know grief.
I will only know the contours of beauty.

Here you are.

Dear Angry-Mouthed soul.
Dear Tired-Souled angry mouth,
with a brain that spits words,
attempting to cut skin
to pierce through vital organs,
this letter is for you.

This letter is so that your eyes may see
what your heart cannot.
So that maybe
possibly
somehow,
your conscience may someday catch up
to seeing,
and one day you will believe
that I was not to blame.
That your words are filled with
attempts to convince the world
away from who you really are.

Take down your exterior,
peer into a looking glass,
and open your eyes.
There is too much potential beauty
to be hidden beneath your ugly.
These days,
that's all I see
and
it disgusts me.

You
disgust
Me.

Be your change.
Hold something closer to yourself
than yourself.
than magic tricks
and tricking minds
because
you are out to destroy yourself.
one word at a time.

Skipping town
will never stop
your skipping heart beats
when you see me
think of me
because hatred
follows,
consumes.

And for that,
I am sorry.
Sorry for you
and your weakened mind,
too afraid to self-confront.

Sincerely,
you know.

Applebutton.

Our bellies are full with the pride we've swallowed
and our eyes are burning
because sleep is miles away,
the sun is finding its way back into the night
And I love you.
My lungs catch breaths between words,
stealing air from my mouth
so that they may keep you there.
and I am speechless.
Like first kiss breathless.
Like shaking fingers against your skin, reckless.
I cannot hold your words long enough,
they are falling against my brain like rainstorms.
Like rainstorms I want to dance with you,
catch you on my lips,
and savor the caress of life you have given me.

In the moonlight,
we are silly dancers on silly toes,
graceful.
rootless tress in the wind,
darkness has never been quite so illuminated.
My lashes are squinting together
in your light,
like skin lines against skin
at the corners of my mouth
pulling around my teeth
indefinitely.

In my hands,
yours are intertwined
and in this moment
things are beautiful.
You are beautiful
despite the rotten you claim.
I want to cradle you in blankets of arms
and show you that never has anything
compared to you.
Skipping steps and tongue strides,
we are counting on limbs
our imperfections,
running out of space.
But somehow none of this matters,
because at some point between
our attempts at defining here and there,
we discovered that we exist
somewhere.
That somewhere exceeds time and space
and nestles between your Adam's apple
and my bellybutton.

So we will send our voices across
power lines,
speaking in riddles
like confused sounds with meaning somewhere.
like falling apart and only half understanding.
We are existing on ends of humanity,
creating motion surpassing that of many.
And I love you.
Like friendships too hard to let go of.
Like somewhere is my safe place.
Here and there,
we battle our demons,
count our scars,
and tally up our losses.
Hands and fingers,
skin and bone,
we stand against cave walls,
our shadows curved to fit the sketching of numbers
defining the skeletons of our past.
And here we are innocent.
We are tracing the lines of where we used to be,
And redefining where it is we thought we were headed.
And in this moment,
We are beautiful.
Like children fingers against canvas
Like bare toes against pavement,
we are discovering.
Despite our old souls,
We are tireless.
We are embracing what is to come,
with minds forgetting,
that once upon a time
we never knew each other.
That there was a time
When my ribcage swelled
And yours was not there to catch it.


Well, love,
I am asking you to catch it.
Catch me in your lover’s palm
And never let me go
because too many times I have
fallen far from fate
running away from anything
beautiful.
Too many times
I have settled for something
Less than applebutton.
So Adam’s Apple,
rest still against my belly,
await the rays
before our battles begin again,
and know that
here is our somewhere.

Unresolved Phrases of Sound.

When I die,
I hope that I leave behind nothing but beautiful.
I wish with every piece of my soul,
that my body does not engulf it;
that every breath I take reaches deep into my insides
and finds its way into adoration.

I hope that every dark nook
holds nothing but radiance,
because life is radiance.
Because I am taking in life,
through these lungs,
leaving it to digest in my ribcage.

I want to exhale
and make the sun sick with envy;
because I never burned you,
left your skin with scars of adventures in my light.
I will reflect through my veins a brighter light
than that of coursing rivers,
always changing.
I am always changing.
Never will your eyes rest upon my being
and find complacence in contentment.

Through these broken things,
I want to salvage what is graceful
and paint it upon my skin
so that my pores will know life's beauty
each moment they breathe.

I won't forget to breathe.


(incomplete).

Dear You,

I hope that your new life is worth living,
despite the fact that everything you once had is now gone.
Everything that you gained, and the people you loved,
are no longer worth loving.
I hope that your new life compensates for all of the wreckage you've left behind,
regardless of how quickly you stepped over it as it crumbled around your feet.

I hope that, despite the face-to-face cordiality,
you know that your new life will never erase the reality
that you are who you are,
that you did what you have done,
and that you are still not a strong enough person to confront yourself.

Sincerely,
Me.


(9/26/10)